


Duality.

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heart Break, Lost Love, M/M, New love, Pain, Sadness, heart ache
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-06 21:46:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16841029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: It has been years since Sirius has ever been the same. Years since Remus has ever been the same. And they're not sure now with this new storm brewing and this new feeling in the pit of Remus' stomach if they can ever be what they were meant to be.





	1. Sirius Black.

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy.

  * He walked through the door of Grimmauld Place, his bag over his shoulder and his wand clutched in his hand more tightly than it usually was
  * He always found it eased his mind if made sure he was constantly on the defensive until after he was through the door
  * Once he was his body would relax
  * The tension partially falling away as he released his muscles for the first time in weeks
  * He sighed at the relief of his aching shoulders, his aging bones
  * But was suddenly overcome
  * A feeling of overwhelming weakness
  * The last four months had been a series of incessant transformations, blood lust and, of course, blood loss
  * He groaned as he walked through the house, his muscles cried out and his head throbbed
  * He just wanted to sleep
  * To have some peace before Sirius came home from his own mission later that evening


  * He had planned to be away for much longer than four months until his cover had been blown and Greyback had nearly ripped his jugular from his neck
  * He had run
  * And apparated almost immediately
  * Not daring to turn back even for a moment
  * He then spent the past few weeks in hiding
  * Choosing caves and dark forests over back alleys and sleazy shops
  * He didn’t want to show up somewhere that they would anticipate
  * He wanted to keep fellow members of the Order off Greyback’s trail
  * And now that he was finally, _finally_ , okay to return home a weight had been lifted
  * The constant high from running from Greyback left him on edge 
  * But for now he was .. the term safe didn’t feel normal to say anymore
  * Nonetheless the Death Eaters tailing him had returned to building Voldemort’s army
  * Thankfully he had gotten enough information in the short time he had been there
  * Maybe now they could put up a real fight against the Dark Lord this time
  * He pushed the thoughts from his head as he padded up the stairs into his room
  * He would find food and Mad-Eye later, right now he just needed to settle himself in and allow himself the pleasure of falling asleep in an actual bed
  * Maybe even into a dreamless slumber
  * He fell flat on the bed as soon as he approached it, he ignored his stomach which was rumbling loudly and allowed his eyelids to fall shut
  * He let himself fall into a stone cold sleep until a cold sweat started across his forehead and his mind jolted him back into reality
  * The night terrors after a mission often meant many sleepless nights
  * He had hoped being so worn out would offer him some peace but he was used to this by now
  * He glanced up at the clock beside his bed; it had been no more than an hour since his return, he groaned loudly
  * His stomach began its rumblings again and he sighed heavily as he pushed himself from the bed
  * He strode out of his room to find the kitchen, find something to quell the hunger pains, but as he swung open the door he was surprised to find Sirius
  * His eyes immediately narrowed on one of his oldest friends when he realized his head in his palms and his body was hunched over the counter
  * Remus kinked his eyebrow at the sight and spoke weakly
  * “Padfoot, you’re here”
  * The man’s head jolted up to see Remus, his eyes were wide and dark with red rims
  * He looked as though he had been awake for days, like he had been crying
  * Remus froze and his stomach lurched
  * “Rem-”
  * “What happened?”
  * They were the first words to escape Lupin’s lips as Sirius raised himself from the counter top and flattened his palms against it
  * Sirius looked back down, his mouth pursed and his eyes hard
  * He opened his mouth several times before he actually spoke
  * Remus’ anxiety heightening each time
  * “They knew. I don’t know how but, they knew”
  * Sirius’ fingers turned in towards to clutch against his palm
  * Remus could see him close his eyes as he spoke as if the memories of whatever events had occurred while he was away began swarming him
  * Remus kept his eyes fixated on him
  * “Is everyone okay?”
  * Sirius kept his eyes closed, “For the most part.”
  * Remus’ mind was racing a mile a minute so fast he could barely stop himself from asking all his questions
  * But he remained quiet
  * He had known the man long enough to know he had to let him take a few deep breaths before his eyes would flutter open and his words would come
  * The wait was agony but when Sirius finally stood straight, turned around to lean against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest, Remus’ ears perked up
  * “No one died”
  * Sirius eyed him gently
  * And Remus understood immediately who his glance was referring too and released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in
  * “Then what’s going on?”
  * Sirius looked at the fire that was crackling in the kitchen, his voice quiet and irritated
  * “Everything was going so smooth. Too smoothly honestly and I should have known. But I didn’t say anything and it got so fucked up so fast.”
  * Remus was clutching the door knob harshly; the sharp corners of the pristine crystal were cutting into his fingers but he couldn’t stop
  * The tension in his shoulders returned and his eyes were glaring now
  * He needed to know
  * “Bellatrix was practically on top of me before I even realized but Tonks …”
  * The air in Remus’ throat hitched at the name, his mind going to the worst possible scenario and the overwhelming guilt of the fight they had came rushing back to him
  * It was just before he left
  * She had leaned close to him
  * Her eyes closed, her breathing soft
  * “Come back to me”
  * Her hands gripped the opening of his jacket
  * And the overwhelming warmth that spread throughout Remus was all too much
  * He had let her push too far
  * Let her come to close
  * He couldn’t hold it back
  * Everything inside him burst through the wall he had built
  * Every demon came out much more angrily, much less hesitant
  * He hadn’t been able to get the sight of her broken face out of his mind for weeks
  * It was still there if he sought it, tormenting him, telling him he was a weak, unctuous, a coward
  * “She dove in front of me. I tried to stop her Remus I did but she- She got hit …”
  * Remus didn’t know what to do other than stare, his eyes blinking wildly, his mind completely blank
  * “I’ve seen people be hit with the Cruciatus Curse before, but this- this came from Bellatrix. It was – It- I-”
  * Sirius felt the words rolling and bubbling off his tongue but no words were coming to him other than the image of Tonks flat on her back
  * He was trying to keep his eyes off Remus, he didn’t want to see the reaction, didn’t want to see the disappointment
  * He had tried to protect her but the woman was one of the most loyal he had ever met, the most brave
  * Remus tore his eyes off Sirius to stare at the ground as he spoke
  * The image of Nymphadora withering on the ground, her piercing screams, the green glow that would encase her body
  * It was overwhelming
  * He felt complete and utter rage, he wanted to find Bellatrix and throw her malice right back in her face
  * The image of himself, of his claws and his teeth ripping and biting and tearing at her pale skin sped through him
  * But he could barely move
  * He had tried to protect her by staying away from her and it had resulted in breaking her heart
  * Now she had been attacked and he wasn’t there
  * _What had happened if it hadn’t been the Cruciatus Curse?_
  * The thought alone affirmed that he needed to see her, make sure she was okay
  * “Where is she?”
  * Sirius turned to Remus, the man’s face was hardened but his eyes gave him away
  * The look of worry was plastered in his furrowing brows, his straight mouth and his glazed eyes
  * As Sirius opened his mouth to speak but they were interrupted by the sound of a loud pop, the noise normally attributed to apparition, followed by loud cursing
  * They looked at each other, wands instantly clutched in their hands
  * There was another pop and then a booming voice sounded
  * “EVERY BLOODY TIME”
  * Remus didn’t even turn to look at Sirius as he bolted from the kitchen into the front hallway
  * Sirius was right behind him and nearly toppled over him as he realized Remus had stopped
  * They were standing before Tonks, her hand clutching her arm and her shoulder pressed into the corridor’s wall
  * She had a deep gash on her cheek, it appeared fresh and her body was trembling
  * Mad-Eye appeared to have similar markings on his face as he looked up to see them
  * “Fucking Dolohov must have been tracking us. Couldn’t even get two bloody seconds to fix her up before they were on top of us! Fought our way out easily enough, thought it’d be best to come here”
  * Tonks eyes were squeezed tightly, her face was mucked with dirt and blood, her hair was a mousy brown rather than its usually effervescent pink
  * She spoke quietly, so quietly that if anyone had been speaking they wouldn’t have heard her
  * “ _Home_ ”
  * Then she crumbled forward and Remus was lunging to catch her
  * She toppled into his arms, her head on his chest and her limbs limp around her
  * “Get her upstairs.”
  * Remus didn’t hesitate to scoop her into his arms and rush her to his room
  * He didn’t know why he picked his room but he figured if she was like this he wouldn’t be able to get much sleep anyway
  * Mad-Eye and Sirius trailed behind him as he slammed open the door with his foot and gentle placed her on the bed
  * Her breathing was shallow, her pulse extremely faint, and he could feel his blood pumping loudly in his ears
  * Remus stood against the wall near the door watching patiently as Mad-Eye worked over her
  * He watched him heal the markings on her face
  * Ones surely caused by dark magic
  * Ones sure to scar
  * And he could feel Sirius’ eyes on him rather than on her
  * And it wasn’t jealousy anymore that Remus could feel boring into him
  * Wasn’t like the possessiveness Remus once felt 
  * And he knew, once Sirius left the room, once Sirius turned away, what was coming




	2. Tonks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius knew.

  * ‘Its been too long hasn’t it?’
  * As Remus stood in the living room facing Sirius he couldn’t help but feel torn
  * Torn between what once was everything to him and what could be someday
  * Torn between a person he knew he would never be again and a person he had wanted to be for the last 12 years
  * The days and weeks and months of anger festering inside of you are nothing anyone could ever explain
  * It was like a black hole absorbing everything he had ever felt
  * Every smile he could ever have had 
  * Every memory that was meant to bring him joy in the days gone by
  * Because there was Sirius in every single one
  * And how do you not let the guilt and sadness and pain bring you to your knees every time a memory flashes across your mind?
  * How do you look at someone even in your head and think of love when you’ve spent entire nights lying awake imagining what it would be like to wrap your hands around their throat?
  * ‘Sirius I-’


  * But Sirius wouldn’t let him speak
  * Wouldn’t even look at him
  * He kept his eyes fixated on the blackened marks of his family tree
  * On the blackened mark that was once him
  * ‘I thought- I thought coming back would be all I ever thought it was.’
  * He ran his fingers along the charred lines and the unwoven bits of fabric that stuck out from the tapestry
  * ‘I had this vision- it was like- it was- it was this light for me. It’s what I would see when I stared at those stone walls you know? When I was tired of being angry, when my plan to escape was wrought with holes, when I was ready to give them my soul… Well, if I had had any left to give.’
  * Remus stood stoic, his eyes on the figure of a man he had only recently come to know
  * ‘In the ideal world I created I had figured it out before I climbed on my bike. I knew it was Peter and I would never have blamed you. I would have gotten there on time, I would have gotten there just before and I would **save** them.’
  * Remus could hear the cracking of Sirius’ voice
  * ‘And after I saved them, after me and Jamie and Lily had defeated him together I would see you through the haze of magic, I would see you running towards me with that look on your face. You know the one when you hadn’t seen me after a long day and it was like when your eyes finally found mine you could breathe again? Seeing your face in that ideal world helped me breathe again Moons.’
  * Remus watched the tears dribble down Sirius’ cheeks
  * ‘And I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, trying to apologize for being so careless, for running in wand blazing against the Darkest wizard of our time because-’
  * Sirius choked out a laugh, ‘because you would have been so angry with me for risking my life rather than ready to take it yourself.’
  * ‘And then what?’
  * Remus’s words were quiet and soft
  * He was biting his cheek to stop the tightness in the pit of his stomach that came from images of this imaginary world
  * A world so different from one he had thought of for so long
  * One where he had stopped their deaths but it wasn’t the Dark Lord at the end of his wand
  * ‘And then I would take you home. To our home. The one I had been saving to buy back then-’
  * Remus bit his lip harder and could feel his eyes welling
  * ‘I walked passed it everyday when you were gone wherever Dumbledore had sent you that time. There was this huge window in the front with these pillows and cushions and I could see you reflected in the glass. Another book in your hand, another cup of tea. I tried to see it every time my heart was too heavy.’
  * Sirius swallowed harder as his fingers tightened around the blackened threads
  * ‘And I imagined I’d grow old there. Lay myself down knowing that my brother was safe, that Lily was safe, that my godson was safe. I’d die old and grey and not as alone as I feel now with images of us in my mind. I wouldn’t have to die knowing I failed them all.’
  * Remus couldn’t bare to stare at whoever this hopeless soul before him was
  * Couldn’t bare the guilt he felt knowing the ill will he wished Sirius
  * Knowing that he begged the world to let him be the one to take his final breaths
  * But it hurt more that he barely knew him anymore
  * That looking at him felt unfamiliar and strange
  * He had wanted his Sirius back for so long
  * His Sirius who had been young and bright and commanded the whole room
  * His Sirius who couldn’t hold his firewhiskey and always liked to cuddle and never had cold fingertips or toes
  * His Sirius who was just tall enough next to him to let his nose rest against the back of his neck so that his lips met Remus’ spine
  * His Sirius who was sarcastic and witty and unnervingly talented at just about everything he tried
  * ‘But I’m not the man I was 12 years ago and **nothing** can change that now’
  * Remus swallowed painfully
  * Because Sirius was right
  * This Sirius was angry with the world
  * This Sirius was hopeless and stuck and draining
  * This Sirius never spoke more than a few words a day
  * Never let himself be touched
  * Never cleaned the dirt beneath his fingernails knowing that it would always be a part of him now
  * ‘And how could you ever look at me the way you did before all this? You couldn’t, you still can’t, not even now.’
  * Remus lifted his eyes from the tapestry
  * Turned to see a flicker of the man he once knew beneath that hollowed frame and shaggy black hair
  * His eyes were still his, as piercing and silver as ever
  * The softness of his smile never left when they looked at each other
  * But Remus needed him to know 
  * ‘I hated you’
  * Sirius stared at him
  * His face unwavering, everything he felt now kept bottled up inside 
  * ‘I hated that I spent the war on the brink of losing my mind, that every change with _that_ pack was sure to make me wake the next day with skin splattered with blood and my jaw aching and my body torn’
  * Sirius winced at the images that assaulted
  * ‘I hated that you spent years by my side, years in my bed, _years_ listening to me say how I could never repay you all for the life you gave me and still thought I could ever betray James’
  * Sirius bowed his head, curling into himself was the only way he knew how to shield the blows now
  * ‘But I hated myself more for still wanting you’
  * Sirius lifted his eyes at the last words
  * The wetness of Remus’ cheeks enough to cut deep inside of him
  * ‘You deserve to be happy Remus. It was just never meant to be with me’
  * ‘I wanted it to be’
  * Sirius pulled his lip beneath his teeth as Remus spoke softly
  * ‘I wanted to be happy with you, even after what you did… what I _thought_ you did’
  * Remus curled in hands into fists
  * ‘I didn’t think it was real, I thought I was stuck in a nightmare and every morning I would reach my hand out hoping to feel you there but you can only grasp the cold air so many times.
  * I was hollow for so many years, I hadn’t laughed, I hadn’t known I was **allowed** to be anything more than a ghost. But when she walked into the room Sirius something struck inside me. I never thought I would feel it again, not after you.’
  * Remus rested his palm against the back of his neck trying to stop the way his nails dug into his hands and his shoulders tensed
  * ‘I’m not the same man either Sirius- neither of us fell in love with who we became but Dora- Dora hasn’t lost who she is. She’s whole and kind and strong.’
  * Sirius let his eyes close as Remus spoke
  * ‘She reminds me of everything good about you. She’s not afraid of life, not worried about living. She reminds me of Lily when she hums and James when she laughs and Harry when she yells. She makes me see a future where I can be me again, where I won’t feel so sick about the day when my whole world became bleak.’
  * Sirius let his hand drop from the charred wall and opened his eyes to Remus
  * His walk slow as he approached him
  * His face hardened by years of turmoil neither of them should have ever endured 
  * He came before him, should to shoulder, chest to chest and rested their foreheads lightly together
  * ‘You **deserve** a future Moons’
  * Sirius’ voice was low
  * His eyes closed and his hands found their way to Remus’ neck
  * ‘I always loved you Pads’
  * Sirius pressed his lips softly to Remus’
  * Remus could feel it vibrate through his body
  * It was almost like he was a young man again
  * **Almost** …
  * But these lips were rough and chapped and untouched in well over a decade
  * Not like the lips he had once craved
  * Not like the ones that knew every inch of his skin 
  * That had marked their ownership all over him
  * The feeling was gone
  * The fire that used to spread through his body had long since been put out
  * The electricity on his skin from Sirius’ unparalleled grip around his neck felt like a goodbye
  * It was all a goodbye 
  * And it was the last thing Sirius ever needed to say 
  * As his eyes drifted open
  * As he dropped his hands from Remus’ neck
  * ‘I always will’



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/162009249522/duality-ii

**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/161937266652/duality


End file.
